Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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