seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
His nipple licking is glorious
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