That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
