I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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