this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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