Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
A+ Viking dick
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
