There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
