why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
