he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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