Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
