Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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