This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
this hospital has no fireball
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
