So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
