bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
