He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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