for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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