They should really pass out barf bags in church
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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