He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
