Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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