Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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