Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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