my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
