I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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