Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
We got so high we made milksteak
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
how does that bad decision feel?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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