omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
