Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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