That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
