I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
she told me i tasted like america
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
