I checked into jail on foursquare
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
