I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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