Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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