I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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