Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
