and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
