Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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