I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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