The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
