1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
