I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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