I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
