We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
