shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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