If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
