I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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