He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
