she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
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Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
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apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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