I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
