TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
