His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
