I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
