Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
