i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
