i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
