4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
