Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
