Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
