fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
