I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
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I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
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First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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