You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
