I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
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becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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